I can't keep up

I have a problem with disposition of feelings. I take my stress/feelings out on things rather then the things that are causing them. It really makes people crazy. Disposition of feelings + Alcohol = My first fistfight.It happened about 2-3 weeks ago.Now I’m not really proud… I can pinpoint the two factors that made me explode but I won’t ever tell anyone.Too bad I can’t remember anything, which makes it just a little bit easier that everyone else can. Thanks, Jager. How embarrassing I had to reduce myself, lower my own standards. I’ve never had the same standards as anyone else, my values have always been a little different then all of my friends. But that didn’t mean that they were lower. I’m not a fighter, I’m not someone who dwells on things to get angry enough. But still, I guess I sort of seen it coming. In the last year there has been a lot of firsts. It doesn’t help that you can’t rationally say that you were not you that night, that Rhonda had exited the body. Rationally saying that you didn’t recognize the person in your body just isn’t rational. It ain’t nothing to me.. I have no bad feelings towards the girl but if this didn’t happen I probably still wouldn’t like her. Just saying.. Buuuut there are a lot of other things that wouldn’t have happened if that night had gone good. I feel guilty and sad because in the past I had handled situations like these in a way that made them smooth out.. … It seems I was more mature at 17 then I am at 21. [in 3 months] But I seriously can’t remember what happened. I needed more relaxation and less alcohol. All I have is five people’s stories…. All different. Somehow my boyfriend and I got into a fight with his brother and his girlfriend. Call it crazy, call itdisposition of feelings, butsomehow asituation became bigger then it needed to be. If it had just been between me and that girl, I'm sure it would have blown over by now. Nobody wants to feel like a wedge or be a scapegoat of Yoko Ono similiarity.It’s a lot easier to place blame and point fingers. It’s a lot easier to put physical appearance before mental competency and say that the skank was at least 70 pounds heavier then me. But I could care less about all of that. .I care about my boyfriend and I care about his brother, sothis is seriously the last thing that’s cool with me.I miss my brothers soooo much... We were extremely close until I moved somewhere whereI don't know ANYONE. It was from one extreme to the next.When everyone got along here, it was nice being reminded of thatagain.. But obviously everyone has their own baggage, some that I didn't even know about.I'm not psychic.I would love it if they could get over the past… and not hold grudges but if they can’t do that then they shouldn’t try again and again. Ihave never understood picking at a scab.Sometimes you just have to let things calm down to forget the past. So fuck off…. That’s all I’m saying.I really hope certain people can be less aggressive, more understanding.... and above all -- everyone make sure their girlfriend isn't their distant cousin by marriageand that they properly wash their assso that your brother's skinny bitch girlfrienddoesn't say something stupid when she's had way too much to drink at the end of a bad week of medical interning.Me looking a little bloated, Alex & his brother Mike pouring a beer in A's mouth.Looking for a career as a boxer.

don't mind me... I'm just testing the temperature

People, things, places have been very 'uncooperative' lately.. to put it nicely. Friend of mine believes it's because I rejected the superstitious bad luck value of a YELLOW lighter that I've been carrying with me the past week. Yesterday I threw it away.I am so over this whole "college experience" here, I've enjoyed the classes but not too sure about the whole medical asissting thing. So maybe I have been sabotaging myself... Whether I do or do not get a degree that I don't even want anymore, I'm over it. I am mostly healthy [despite the shittiness in my brain], young and capable of bettering my life the way that I want to instead of gaining a degree of technical skills to make money.I am always quick to figure out what I "should" do. I have no idea what I want to do.I felt so let down yesterday.. Sitting in a booth yesterday in one of the few restaurants that still allow smoking.. waiting on a club sandwich I just had to let the scab heal.I wanted to go out. Re-apply the eyeliner and lipstick because looking at myself looking all put together in a mirror somehow always makes it better. I wanted to get shit-faced instead of wallowing in my repercussions. But no comfort drink was in my hand... I couldn't stare at the glass while swishing the little red mixingstraw or crunch ice in my mouth to avoid conversation. Instead I just avoided it head on... Blank, glassy, eyes, pretending to be more fixated on the bong, dull smiles that do the bare minimum of just smoothing things over.And eventually just passing out because my eyes were blurry. Fuck iiiiitttt.I acted out my dreams verbally. Which was confusing to Alex in the bed next to me who was still half-awake watching t.v., since I was dreaming of a conversation with him. haha.I still see a lot of potential in Alex. It's going to be a battle though, I can tell. He still doesn't like my friends, and we've both grown tired of his. We've been spending a lot of time alone, which can be well because that's all we really need. None of my friends really seem to understand this. But I've never been one to put a label on someone else as "not being good enough". I've never believed that people are a product of their enviroment and he just needs a little more room to grow. My lease here is up at the end of May, his is up at the end of July, after that we're moving. Yayyyy. ♥

Sensationalism Sells

God Save the Queen. Recently I had read on some AOL music blog that a band called The Artic Monkeys were better than the Beatles. Of course, this made me dislike this band, originating from Yorkshire, that I had never even heard of. So I did what lurkers of the internet do -- pulled up their myspace page. Their headline read "don't believe the hype" and their bio exclaimed about their recent releases called "'WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY I AM, THATS WHAT IM NOT" and "WHo the fuck are the arctic monkeys?" But none of their songs worked. So I was made my way to the Domino Records Website, the same record company supporting Franz Ferdinand and some band with a hot singer called The Kills... But besides a bio exclaiming that the arctic monkeys have been popular by word of mouth for years, and therefore did not need to be picked up by a label to be "Successful".. there was not much, still no audio I could get to play. So I fired up the ole' limewire, paused my Sims downloads so it wouldn't take as long, and typed in ARCTIC MONKEYS. After judging a book by the cover I decided to give the song "fake tales of san francisco" a go, as the English would say and see what took place to these boys from Sheffield on the West Coast. Singer Alex Turner, with instances of that accent I do love, sounds like a mix of the Strokes vocalist, Jake White, and that Wino on the cornerseat of every bar missing the ash tray and eventually crying along with elvis on the juke box every night at last call. That's right, I was mistaken. Oy Vey, It is charming. I'm not saying the album isn't worth listening to, but Another Fab Four on our hands? Can they even compare to the beatles? I am right up with the next person in hoping that we can find another band this day in age that is credible & talented enough to take on task. But until further notice, I think it's safe to say that American Girls are alright missing their birth control pill the day that the Arctic Monkeys come to their town... but then again most American girls are a sucker for British mop tops and slang, I would probably know. So I decided, Why would AOL say that? Well, according to a poll of the "best british albums ever" conducted by UK music weekly NME [New music Express], the beatles came in NINTH place with their 1966 album 'revolver'. While the Arctic Monkeys album, released just a few months ago came, in fifth. Now this made me realize it was not a personal attack on my loves, but merely another advertising propaganda. A weasel word here, a glittering generality there and before too long I had downloaded songs, read every Arctic Monkeys fan site I could find, checked tour dates and ordered their EP to find out what all the rage was about across the pond -- which is exactly what the headline was hoping I would do. I am still not sure why exactly they are ranked so high... maybe the youth of the UK are just too eager to be pleased now a days, but one thing is for sure Corporate America is still doing what they do best -- auctioning off yet another fine foursome of British Meat. Now, I am off to find some party favors for 4/20... If you don't hear from me still assume that I remembered to shut my stove off. http://www.myspace.com/arcticmonkeyshttp://www.arcticmonkeys.com1. THE STONE ROSES - THE STONE ROSES2. THE SMITHS - THE QUEEN IS DEAD3. OASIS - DEFINITELY MAYBE4. SEX PISTOLS - NEVER MIND THE B**LOCKS5. ARCTIC MONKEYS - WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY I AM, THAT'S WHAT I'M NOT6. BLUR - MODERN LIFE IS RUBBISH7. PULP - DIFFERENT CLASS8. THE CLASH - LONDON CALLING9. THE BEATLES - REVOLVER10. THE LIBERTINES - UP THE BRACKET. This leaves a person even with ADHD to ponder for several hours two things -- Why were the arctic monkeys the only current group on that list & what is "B**locks"?

It's not a good...

It's not a good thing, but I still miss it.

I went ...

I went to bed with the wrong girl. I must have let it all go... All the people are laughing .. & pretending they know. She said "honey let them have their fun, they've never had it with anyone."Took a lot of love with the wrong girl, to get over you. Hello, Hello. I know I'm shy I'd like to sit anyway... Hello hello, isn't her style. She seemed to move a little quicker than me. I went to bed with the wrong girl. I must have let it all go... All the people are laughing .. & pretending they know. She said "honey let them have their fun, they've never had it with anyone."Took a lot of love with the wrong girl, to get over you. Hello hello. called her tonight... The sun had taken her placehello hello. only to find.. i know she loved the sun, its better this way Went to bed with the wrong girl, i must have let myself go. All the people are laughing .. & pretending they know. She said "honey let them have their fun, they've never had it with anyone."Took a lot of love with the wrong girl, to get over you. http://www.myspace.com/thewestminsterabbeyhttp://www.thewestminsterabbey.com

I had a ...

I had a dream last night that the world was being attacked by zombies... & eventually we just decided it was easier to give in.

Christmas i...

Christmas is over "Where's the camera?" hahaha. Michelle, Me, Tabitha & Derek.