I can't keep up

I have a problem with disposition of feelings. I take my stress/feelings out on things rather then the things that are causing them. It really makes people crazy. Disposition of feelings + Alcohol = My first fistfight.It happened about 2-3 weeks ago.Now I’m not really proud… I can pinpoint the two factors that made me explode but I won’t ever tell anyone.Too bad I can’t remember anything, which makes it just a little bit easier that everyone else can. Thanks, Jager. How embarrassing I had to reduce myself, lower my own standards. I’ve never had the same standards as anyone else, my values have always been a little different then all of my friends. But that didn’t mean that they were lower. I’m not a fighter, I’m not someone who dwells on things to get angry enough. But still, I guess I sort of seen it coming. In the last year there has been a lot of firsts. It doesn’t help that you can’t rationally say that you were not you that night, that Rhonda had exited the body. Rationally saying that you didn’t recognize the person in your body just isn’t rational. It ain’t nothing to me.. I have no bad feelings towards the girl but if this didn’t happen I probably still wouldn’t like her. Just saying.. Buuuut there are a lot of other things that wouldn’t have happened if that night had gone good. I feel guilty and sad because in the past I had handled situations like these in a way that made them smooth out.. … It seems I was more mature at 17 then I am at 21. [in 3 months] But I seriously can’t remember what happened. I needed more relaxation and less alcohol. All I have is five people’s stories…. All different. Somehow my boyfriend and I got into a fight with his brother and his girlfriend. Call it crazy, call itdisposition of feelings, butsomehow asituation became bigger then it needed to be. If it had just been between me and that girl, I'm sure it would have blown over by now. Nobody wants to feel like a wedge or be a scapegoat of Yoko Ono similiarity.It’s a lot easier to place blame and point fingers. It’s a lot easier to put physical appearance before mental competency and say that the skank was at least 70 pounds heavier then me. But I could care less about all of that. .I care about my boyfriend and I care about his brother, sothis is seriously the last thing that’s cool with me.I miss my brothers soooo much... We were extremely close until I moved somewhere whereI don't know ANYONE. It was from one extreme to the next.When everyone got along here, it was nice being reminded of thatagain.. But obviously everyone has their own baggage, some that I didn't even know about.I'm not psychic.I would love it if they could get over the past… and not hold grudges but if they can’t do that then they shouldn’t try again and again. Ihave never understood picking at a scab.Sometimes you just have to let things calm down to forget the past. So fuck off…. That’s all I’m saying.I really hope certain people can be less aggressive, more understanding.... and above all -- everyone make sure their girlfriend isn't their distant cousin by marriageand that they properly wash their assso that your brother's skinny bitch girlfrienddoesn't say something stupid when she's had way too much to drink at the end of a bad week of medical interning.Me looking a little bloated, Alex & his brother Mike pouring a beer in A's mouth.Looking for a career as a boxer.

don't mind me... I'm just testing the temperature

People, things, places have been very 'uncooperative' lately.. to put it nicely. Friend of mine believes it's because I rejected the superstitious bad luck value of a YELLOW lighter that I've been carrying with me the past week. Yesterday I threw it away.I am so over this whole "college experience" here, I've enjoyed the classes but not too sure about the whole medical asissting thing. So maybe I have been sabotaging myself... Whether I do or do not get a degree that I don't even want anymore, I'm over it. I am mostly healthy [despite the shittiness in my brain], young and capable of bettering my life the way that I want to instead of gaining a degree of technical skills to make money.I am always quick to figure out what I "should" do. I have no idea what I want to do.I felt so let down yesterday.. Sitting in a booth yesterday in one of the few restaurants that still allow smoking.. waiting on a club sandwich I just had to let the scab heal.I wanted to go out. Re-apply the eyeliner and lipstick because looking at myself looking all put together in a mirror somehow always makes it better. I wanted to get shit-faced instead of wallowing in my repercussions. But no comfort drink was in my hand... I couldn't stare at the glass while swishing the little red mixingstraw or crunch ice in my mouth to avoid conversation. Instead I just avoided it head on... Blank, glassy, eyes, pretending to be more fixated on the bong, dull smiles that do the bare minimum of just smoothing things over.And eventually just passing out because my eyes were blurry. Fuck iiiiitttt.I acted out my dreams verbally. Which was confusing to Alex in the bed next to me who was still half-awake watching t.v., since I was dreaming of a conversation with him. haha.I still see a lot of potential in Alex. It's going to be a battle though, I can tell. He still doesn't like my friends, and we've both grown tired of his. We've been spending a lot of time alone, which can be well because that's all we really need. None of my friends really seem to understand this. But I've never been one to put a label on someone else as "not being good enough". I've never believed that people are a product of their enviroment and he just needs a little more room to grow. My lease here is up at the end of May, his is up at the end of July, after that we're moving. Yayyyy. ♥