Monday, September 3, 2007
don't mind me... I'm just testing the temperature
People, things, places have been very 'uncooperative' lately.. to put it nicely. Friend of mine believes it's because I rejected the superstitious bad luck value of a YELLOW lighter that I've been carrying with me the past week. Yesterday I threw it away.I am so over this whole "college experience" here, I've enjoyed the classes but not too sure about the whole medical asissting thing. So maybe I have been sabotaging myself... Whether I do or do not get a degree that I don't even want anymore, I'm over it. I am mostly healthy [despite the shittiness in my brain], young and capable of bettering my life the way that I want to instead of gaining a degree of technical skills to make money.I am always quick to figure out what I "should" do. I have no idea what I want to do.I felt so let down yesterday.. Sitting in a booth yesterday in one of the few restaurants that still allow smoking.. waiting on a club sandwich I just had to let the scab heal.I wanted to go out. Re-apply the eyeliner and lipstick because looking at myself looking all put together in a mirror somehow always makes it better. I wanted to get shit-faced instead of wallowing in my repercussions. But no comfort drink was in my hand... I couldn't stare at the glass while swishing the little red mixingstraw or crunch ice in my mouth to avoid conversation. Instead I just avoided it head on... Blank, glassy, eyes, pretending to be more fixated on the bong, dull smiles that do the bare minimum of just smoothing things over.And eventually just passing out because my eyes were blurry. Fuck iiiiitttt.I acted out my dreams verbally. Which was confusing to Alex in the bed next to me who was still half-awake watching t.v., since I was dreaming of a conversation with him. haha.I still see a lot of potential in Alex. It's going to be a battle though, I can tell. He still doesn't like my friends, and we've both grown tired of his. We've been spending a lot of time alone, which can be well because that's all we really need. None of my friends really seem to understand this. But I've never been one to put a label on someone else as "not being good enough". I've never believed that people are a product of their enviroment and he just needs a little more room to grow. My lease here is up at the end of May, his is up at the end of July, after that we're moving. Yayyyy. ♥
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4 comments:
I think the internship is a good indicator if you want to do this for life or not. I wish every college forced internship like right away. I would have been saved so much stress and wasted a lot less time figuring out that college fucking sucks and is not for me. You are still young and don't need to push yourself into a career yet in my opinion.
I'd say stick it out if you can, you've already invested some student loans into the degree, might as well get what you've paid for --- but I'm speaking from a position where I MUST finish. You still have options as you aren't saddled by the whole spouse and family thing. Whatever happened with your writing? Do you do that anymore? Or is it now fashion?
I still write and would like to much more but it doesn't happen as easily as it used to with less time than what I used to have. =-/
I'm lucky that my classes, on occaision, allow for some creativity....but I do know the feeling.....when you decide what you're doing, if you opt to quit, let me know and I'll send you a file that I can't manage to get finished, maybe a different set of eyes will see different ways the story might go.
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