It�...

It’s like I woke up one morning, out of nowhere, and decided that I had no life. Nothing had changed from my prior pseudo-busy days, although now I felt as absolute as gravel roads I have once road upon, wasting my brain cells. And now I feel more lost inside than anyone can ever imagine… and why? Because I live here. What is this?! Sometimes I have feelings of such fondness for the Midwestern place that I live… and others, I wish it would just disperse, along with everyone else captured in it’s torment. Singing along to an awesome band, I watch the singer kneel on that white box he always has. I suggest to myself that I keep starring into his eyes… and bounce along with the sounds of the music until I give myself whiplash. And although these nights are the reason for my admiration towards him -- . Just like a tree, music makes it easier to breathe. It’s a constant battle and I don’t expect either one of the two exceptional races to win, leaving the world a more pungent and badly written place to breathe -- let alone live, in. Combine all of this nothingness with fading ambition and it equals something along the lines of depression, angst and mostly questions and the yearning for psychic abilities. What’s going to be harder; pulling the trigger, pressing the blade, or taking enough sleeping pills to never wake up or actually waking up for the next 70 years? And when it’s put that way, it doesn’t really make a difference whether I have a life or not because what is life… I know this isn’t it. These feelings of everything crammed into two separate viles, how the hell am I supposed to let them out onto paper and into your hand? But I know I have to keep trying, because if you don’t even try in a game… how are you supposed to win? The over achiever in any standardized fixture always comes out looking better in the end. I just have to know how to roll the dice and flip the right cards and I won’t come out quite so inconsolable and disreputable looking in this game. Because I’ve found out that’s all life is; a game. And like any game, you just have to learn how to play it. I believe I have a good start. I’m just hoping someone up there will throw in some enjoyable surprises. Maybe a card for an extra turn. I'd take it back.